Monday, April 20, 2009

Oh, bother...

There are lots of things that bother me: Squirrels. People who eat crunchy food in a quiet room. Scrunchies. Odd numbers. The words 'squat' and 'munch'. The list goes on and if I were to exhaust it, I'd most likely fall into a fit of manic self-analysis. No thanks. Lately, I've only been noticing the things that bother me about myself. Where did all of this super self-criticism come from? That was rhetorical because, believe you me, I know EXACTLY where it came from.

Top 5 Culprits:

1. Mirrors
2. Books on dating advice for women
3. Singleness
4. Men (or my ideas of them)
5. Seeing people I knew in high school

My stupid, freaking, constant inner dialogue takes all of these and uses them to fuel it's bitter tirades. I'm too pale/fat/short/bossy/stupid/overwhelming/annoying et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. This isn't self-deprication - this is honestly what runs through my head on a constant loop. The volume varies depending on where I am, or who I am with. The longer I'm alone, the worse it gets. If there are no distractions or people in my midst, my inner idiot uses these to reinforce all the self blame and hatred. It's really depressing if you think about it. And I know I'm not the only one who does this. And I also know that most of the inner dialogue I entertain is maladaptive, distracting and most importantly, exaggerated. I am aware that I'm not as horrible as my conscious claims. I have my faults of course, but if I truly embodied the traits my mind thinks I have, I'd be living in a remote hermit colony in some distant cave. Or I'd be clinically insane. I'm not sure which would be worse.

Moral of the blog is, don't always trust your inner critic. It usually doesn't have a healthy perspective, nor does it display the real truth. It serves a purpose on some level, but unless it's helping you be a better person to yourself and those around you, it should be listened to with uber massive filters.

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." ~G.K. Chesterton

2 comments:

Ashley Desrosiers said...

Well I'm possibly coming to Texas for Thanksgiving... does number five on your culprit list mean that I can't visit you because I'll make you hate yourself? =( sad!

blayne said...

Ash! Of course not! You bette come see me. If I find out that you were in Georgetown and I DIDN'T see you... oh, missy you'd be sorry. :P