Sunday, November 18, 2012

Feels like quiet.

Today I was stressed, and as a result, was furiously thinking and analyzing and worrying. Before I knew it, I picked up the cat and was petting it against its will. Pets can be so soothing when they want to be, yes? Unfortunately, this cat was not in the mood to sooth or even be looked at. He scrambled out of my arms and high tailed it to his scratching post, as if he'd been separated from it for years. I laughed because he was acting like I was before - anxiously grabbing onto the closest soothing thing.

We do that, seek comfort when stress gets high. I'm pretty sure that's why chocolate and alcohol manufacturers will never go out of business. It's natural to seek comfort. We seek it in things, we seek it in all kinds of ways and places. But for me, and I'm sure for many of you, the best comfort I have found is in other people.

There are people and things in this world that add to the dizzying spiral of thoughts that concern me. It makes my head feel full and tight, overflowing with questions, what ifs, possible solutions, and a myriad of other emotions. This isn't good or bad. It just is. I imagine it causes my brain to look like a tangled mess, with thoughts careening in and out of the webs in a pinball-esque fashion. It's exhausting, if not useful.

But sometimes, I need to be quiet. I need to be still. I struggle with this because there's so much around to keep me occupied and engaged. Add the fact that I love people, and that makes for tiny amounts of quiet time. It's something I'm working on, this whole meditation, rest idea. Turns out I suck pretty hardcore at resting. A good friend asked me recently, "Do you feel you're worth taking care of? Do you love yourself enough to rest?" Wow, just punch me in the heart, why don't ya? The effect would have been the same (ah, tough love).

After I added "practice resting" to my ever-growing list of "Things You Suck At and Should Work On Instead of Pinning Pictures of Cute Animals All Night", I realized that I do rest. Just not on my own.

I am blessed with the presence of precious people who, when I'm around them, have this amazing ability to relax me without me even trying. Being around them causes my thoughts to settle softly, the tension to ease out of my shoulders, and my lungs to breathe deeper than ever. They are peace and meditation in human form, the human equivalent of a Xanax or 60-minute hot yoga session. They allow me a place to rest, to feel happy and carefree, to believe in life and love again. Even when they are going through crisis, or having conflict with me, we always come back to that place of peace.

And in this I am truly, deeply blessed.

So while I work on taking better care of myself (what? Eating chocolate everyday isn't good self-care?), I am so thankful for the people who quiet the crazy in my life.

"So much noise,
Always so much noise inside.
Some people,
Some rare
and absolutely
vital people,
Will always
like quiet."
- Tyler Knott Gregson


Gayle Bandt said...

So, I'd like to make a suggestion if I may which of course is against the promise I made to myself not to offer suggestions unless solicited. Instead of a list of the things you suck at, perhaps, just perhaps you could write a list of the things you are so awesome at. Let me get you started:

1) Being there when a friend needs a smile, a kind word, and uplifting thought.
2) Having an awesome smile and personality
3) Be a fantastic dancer
4) Having a way of making people feel happy when you are around
5) Being a creative writer and inspirational to others who may not see themselves as great writers but have things to write.

This is just a list to get you started. I know there are others out there who have many more things to add and of course if it wasn't time for me to get off to work, I'd list even more. Chin up Miss an't so sucky. :)

Brittany said...

Love you, pretty girl! You make my life better. SO thankful that God has brought you into my life :)

Britt Holan said...

Gayle, you are precious to me. Thank you!

Brittany, likewise my darling.